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If at all possible, be Michael Kiske. Unless you are Manowar, in which case you are too metal for clothing. You don't have to detune your guitars. Begin all songs with one big swelling chord on the keyboard.

Entire albums must be recorded in the same key. Then crush them with steel. For that matter, entire careers may also be recorded in the same key. Gradually work your way into an epic frenzy.

Audiences need to be able to sing along. Rhapsody has their Algalord chronicles. Female lead singers are great for this.

Higher vocals are epic vocals. If you are European, use as many archaic English words in your lyrics as you can. In your liner notes, thank everybody you toured with, even if they're Stratovarius. Since you can't afford one, find a new patch on your keyboard.

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Nobody will ever see it coming. Avantasia is the perfect model. If there's a guitar solo, harmonize it.

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Orchestras make a great addition to your album. Whenever you short of ideas, pick up your Dungeons and Dragons books. Concept albums are totally epic. Layer your vocals, hundreds upon hundreds of times.

Though you probably should drop them a half-step. The longer a song is, the more epic it is. Everything can have a sequel! Oh, and South America was colonized by Europeans, so it can count too. Sing in English, even though your fan-base will be comprised entirely of Brazilians, Germans, Japanese, Swedes, and Finns.

Be sure to carry one regardless of whether or not you know anything about using one. If you are South American, your lyrics should be closer to standard English, though nobody will ever read them. Come to think of it, don't be Manowar.

Don't worry about them live. If you have to sing about something else, put together a side project to do it. Complain about Stratovarius constantly even though you've bought all their albums and listen to them more than anything else in your collection.

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The Metal Review

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Pick a theme and stick to it. More side projects and guest appearances means more epic! Sing about tanks, or something.

Keyboards offer a way to add thousands of different textures to a song. It's not a tour, it's a crusade! To compensate, sing about killing trolls. More solos means more epic. Wear armor if at all possible.

Actually, don't be Timo Tolkki. Your American fans won't be able to tell the difference between your Italian lyrics and your Latin ones, but Latin is epic.

Acoustic guitars are for intros and bridges. If you are Italian, write some lyrics in Latin.

Blind Guardian has Tolkein. If this is not possible, pretend to be Michael Kiske. Your accent will show as a consequence.

American, you probably aren't actually a power metal band. In a power metal world, everything steel is good, and anything good must be compared to steel. Power metal depends on power chords. Manowar are warriors of true metal, wyrypajew tlen online dating and they don't get to sing about anything else.

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Just because you don't play black metal doesn't mean you can't use Tolkein. If your live album does not have the crowd singing all the harmony parts for you, you aren't epic enough to justify a live album.

Swords enhance your credibility and your performance. You are allowed to be blonde.

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So, male lead singes should sound like female singers. If you can't be Michael Kiske, you can at least be Timo Tolkki. Songs don't begin at full speed. Begin songs at half-tempo, and then, when listeners least expect it i.

Never use mundane words in your lyrics. If there's singing, make it a choir. How else are you going to have dueling guitar solos? True warriors can tell the difference between albums.

Beer, however, can be served in all kinds of true metal ways. Don't get caught singing along.